


What you will

by Ben1899



Series: What You Will [1]
Category: Hamlet - Shakespeare, Midsummer Night's Dream - Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing - Shakespeare, Romeo And Juliet - Shakespeare, SHAKESPEARE William - Works, Twelfth Night - Shakespeare
Genre: F/F, F/M, Friendship/Love, Gen, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, True Love, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-23 17:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16163408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ben1899/pseuds/Ben1899
Summary: This is far from perfect - please don't condemn me for ignorance.Violet (Viola) has lost everything when the last of her family - her twin brother Sebastian drowns in a journey to Illirya in hopes of finding employment from the young Duke Orsino.  In her last desperate attempt to survive in-spite of her grief, she disguises herself as the studious, and hard working Cesario.  Befriending the Duke, she finds herself swept away in a love triangle between the fair Lady Olivia and Duke Orsino.





	1. From Water Flows

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this from my own imagination. It is still heavily based in Twelfth Night. But I always loved Viola and the intruging position she found herself in between ruin as an unemployed woman, her friendship affection for Lady Olivia, and her growing attraction to her Master Orsino. 
> 
> So this is my personal take on what might become a story about Viola - as the focus of the story. 
> 
> I'm not a writer, just a fan girl. So, be gentle. thanks.

Water flows from my soul and memories as both blessing and curse. 

I remember laughing giggles as bare toes chased through gentle warm waves of water on sandy beaches, running after my dear brother. Sunshine from the coast blinding my eyes as I shaded them, turning at the call of my Mother for us to both join she and my father for our seaside picnic. My fingers grasping onto my brothers own hands, our souls united in twin-bond. 

I remember the rain running over the granite of my Mother’s tombstone. Her body freshly deposited beneath. Someone sang softly from the mourners behind us, her favorite song….as if she herself were saying in a distant ghostly whisper ‘goodbye’. I didn’t cry then, though only 15 years old, I wasn’t sad for her death, but thankful to see suffering end. My mother had always been so youthful, full of song and laughing. Practically from birth she insisted I learn piano as masterfully as she knew it, music was the heart of all life to her. No, I didn't cry for her, Instead I held onto the fingers of my brother again, both of us in this hypnotic state of grief, bound to each other.

I remember the day the three of us stood by the town fountain, listening to the water falling in flood to the basin below. News of war, cruel and unescapable had been posted on a ballot in the town square. My family were foreigners now to our neighbors and friends. My mother was the naturalized connection we had to Mezeline, and the only home I had ever known. Now that my mother was dead, My father had a duty to the country of his family - the other partner in this battle - Illyria. He’d fallen in love with my mother in a time of peace - He loved to travel - taking in monuments and cities from far flung places. He had an adventurous heart and woo’ed my Mother with abandon, then did his best to teach their children all the tricks of his youth - card games and fencing, all to the teasing disdain of our mother. My father looked to us now like one of the resolved stone monuments of soldiers he had once visited on holiday. His complexion pale as he straightened his frame, and explained that his place would be to serve in the military. Comforting us that his connection to the Duke of Illyria would give him an officer's commission. Again, the firm grip of my brother on my arm, reassuring me that he would not leave me too, anchored my heart from wrenching itself from my chest and again ceased my tears from flowing.

I remember the fear and swelling omen of change I felt while staring at the sea’s waves rolling into the ships hulls at the harbor. With news of our father’s heroic but painful demise at war, my brother and I agreed it would be better to go to Illyria, and seek the Duke that Father had once told us about. Having nothing left in Mezeline, except the suspicious stairs of those around us, or worse the looks of empty sympathy - The war was over, and we needed to start over. The ship's captain had agreed to give us passage if in return we entertained the crew with playing piano and acting, he had known of my mother in her youth, and knew she had passed some skill onto us. Sebastian, my brother was convinced that maybe the Duke would give him a commission as well, it was a chance, but one we had to take, drawing his arm around me Sebastian squeezed my shoulders with warm brotherly love the edge of my sorrow was stolen away from it’s flow. I trusted his resolve and so we boarded that cursed ship. God, oh God, why did we go on such a journey?

I remember no more of water’s goodness. Neither did anyone stand between me and bitter weeping. Standing against the crushing waves of the ocean that rushed onto this foreign beach. My tears were bitter and cold against the salt wind on my wet body. Vainly I am searching, but inwardly I am screaming with grief for my brother’s body to wash up on the shore before me. I am wrenched to the earth like a raw nerve of pain, someone shaking my shoulders violently…..

“Violet - come now!” The ship’s captain yelled and grabbed me, pulling me into the shelter of a darkened cave. “We must not be seen, the Duke’s calvary is still riding in search of any stray soldiers left to make mischief despite the peace treaty. If they find us, we’re all sure to die.” His plea made sense, but my thoughts were still numb. 

As a group, what was left after the ship had run onto rocks just off the harbor, we fled over the land, hunted by the calvary. I had scavenged some of the leftover belongings of ours that had washed up on shore with us. The only photo left of my brother and me together, and anything left of Sebastian’s, pulling on his wet jacket wishing it was his embrace instead. We had stopped to rest in an old graveyard just outside town. From there, the captain knew of an Innkeeper, his cousin, that would help arrange safe passage back to Mezeline for him and his remaining crew, the captain was an honest man, not someone who wanted to sabotage the peace of these two countries in its infancy. 

“I’m sorry for your great losses lass.” The captain said, bringing me from the emptiness of my thought. I had been staring off into distance for some time catching my breath from our flight.  
I nodded, looking at him with empty eyes, rimmed red from tears.

“What will you do now? I know your loss is great, being the only one left in your families house.” He took my hand in true sympathy. I smiled in bitterness, swallowing. Sebastian had been swallowed by the sea in our wreck, I had struggled against the retching current to reach him, to drown with him -- but nature was our enemy. I lived - but felt dead inside.

“I'm not sure - my brother thought to seek service from the Duke here.” I said

“Yes, but the Duke died in the war, now his son - Orsino - is in his place. He is comanding officer to the calvary, and has left the castle as the home of the military even though peace is soon to be finalized. Because of this, He does not admit female servants.” The captain was very informed, and I sighed heavily. I truly just wanted to drown myself in the same sea from which I had lost my dear brother.

Just then, a group of mourners came from the church to the graveyard we had hidden away in - sobbing and cloaked in black. 

“That must by the Lady Olivia my cousin at the Inn told me of by letter. Her family ran much of the merchantry at the Harbor, Her father died just shortly before the war began leaving just The Lady Olivia and her brother to continue on.” He adjusted his concealment behind our shared post of a large oak tree’s ancient trunk and continued “My cousin said the Lady’s brother had come home from war badly injured - Her brother must have died of his injuries.”

My stomach turned into a horrible sick pit - I knew intimately the torchered sobs of loss that this woman let freely escape from under her black veil - she knew love of her brother as I had known mine. “I would serve a Lady like her, somehow!” I exclaimed to the captain in a whisper.

“Unfortunately, my cousin said the status of the business was a mess - since both the Lady’s father and brother couldn’t tend to finances in the midst of war. I would guess she takes no new servants.” 

The captain was frank of Lady Olivia’s state, I shrugged my shoulders, and shifted the weight of my bag beside me, then all at once a desperate idea came over me...I turned to search the captains face with madness lighting behind my eyes... 

“I’ll seek out commission with Duke Orsino, just as Sebastian had planned.” I announced, grabbing onto the uneasy shifting arm of the captain “I will take on my brother’s clothes and mannerisms - we were twins, I knew him better than anyone - Duke Orsino would have never met my family. I am very well educated - my father always saw I knew as much as my brother in school - the Duke might need someone to help with all the secretary work to be done in this peace process between Mezeline and Illyria.” The captain shook his head in doubt but I continued: 

“Or...if he doesn't need a secretary I can still play as well or better than my mother...all wealthy people need entertainment, my mother did well on her own income from playing for Mezeline’s aristocracy.” I searched the captains face for that trace of sympathy he had shown me before “Please, help me?” He sighed heavily with one arched eyebrow. 

“I have nothing but enemies and empty well wishes left in Mezeline, especially after my father’s service for Illirya in the war, and if I cannot find employment I will starve.” Finally the captain nodded in surrender. It was dangerous, but I didn't care - if I was found out in my deception and killed, I would welcome it - at worst I would be with my brother again.

\------------

The Duke shifted uncomfortable in his chair. He was tired of being cooped up inside, but the injury he sustained in battle needed to heal & so, anchored him to his castle. So did the mountain of negotiating before him for peace. He sighed, wincing at the sharp pain that breathing so deeply caused him. He was a cavalry commander in the war, a man of peace nor politics were natural notions to him. Orsino had asked to be stationed on the front lines, that was how he liked his life - out front and bold in action. This new path - *Duke of Illyria - he had been groomed for his whole life - but hadn’t expected it so fresh after the war. His father now dead in battle, seemed to navigate the treacherous pathways of political intrigue as well as Orsino could fight with sword and gun from his calvary steed. He felt unsure of himself for the first time in his life. Orsino rubbed his forehead with his non-injured hand, and groaned in frustration, when he heard a cough.

Looking up, he saw Valentine - the secretary to his father, and now Orsino’s secretary. “Sorry to disturb your work Lord - but I’ve brought the young gentleman Cesario to help make copies of your peace declaration.” Valentine’s tall elderly figure stepped aside to reveal a small and delicate framed boy, who was peeking shly from under a mess of tousled blonde locks, and they both bowed slowly to the Duke.

Now Orsino *knew that being inside for so long was turning him crazy, and looked over Cesario again. If he hadn’t just been introduced as male by Valentine - Orsino would have swore him to be - female. Cesario was the most beautiful boy Orsino had ever seen - peachy in complexion which glowed red under Orsino’s now studious gaze. Valentine coughed again, urging Orsino to blink, and snap from his analyzation, dismissing the thought of a woman to be so brazen.

“Yes - gentleman Cesario, please, the copies are at the desk there - Valentine assures me you have a good hand for recording? This is an important task to be done accurately.” Orsino said cautiously.

“Cesario is the young son of Captain Hercule, a hero of the battle at Blue Ridge. And has been finely educated as a gentleman in writing, reading and math by his family estate.” Valentine offered this summary of character as reassurance for Cesario’s skills. Upon Valentine’s word - Orsino nodded, and Valentine relaxed. Orsino stood to stare out the window. Valentine dismissed himself to deliver an important courier message, and Cesario sat at the corner desk, then picking up pen - began to make the requested copies.

It had been hours, Orsino read over bits and pieces of correspondence, and issued orders from the various Courtier’s that entered on business. Finally Orsino couldn’t sit still any longer - his wounded arm was stiff, and he stood and began to pace the room - The Duke noticed Cesario nervously shift in his seat.

Orsino could feel the boys angst, like a new horse being broken for calvary and thought he’d try to ease him: “I didn’t know your father, but heard of his heroism. I...am sorry for your loss.” The Duke had lost many men in war, he was duty bound to honor the sacrifice of many soldiers, and had personally delivered bad news to the families of any man who had died under his direct command. Something his father had thought a job better suited to a secretary, one such letter had probably delivered the news of Cesario’s father’s death.

Orsino heard the boys pen pause in scribble - and saw his small shoulders slump - it gave him a great pain to see such a young person know so deep a grief. 

A small and frail voice choked “Thank You” in a response so quiet Orsino almost didn’t hear it.   
Orsino’s heart swelled with compassion “Will you dine with myself at court tonight? As recognition of the heroic sacrifice by your house?” Cesario glanced over his shoulder and gave a silent nod, Orsino thought this was a subject to be abandoned and was relieved when Valentine returned to say the Surgeon was there to re-dress Orsino’s wounded shoulder before dinner.“Cesario will join us tonight - in honor for his father’s heroic service.” Valentine nodded and Orsino excused himself silently, he paused though, to sympathetically look at the small boy who had risen from the desk in news of his master’s leave. Orinso didn't fail to note the empty bitter pain in the dark eyes of his new gentleman acquaintance, but smiled courteously and left. 

\------------------

Dinner at the castle had changed since Orsino was younger. The first change was that He sat at the head place of honor where his once father did. The other difference was the formal all-male aristocracy that occupied every chair down the long wooden table, including generals and officers. Orsino hadn’t changed the military status of the castle, but rather embraced it. He liked the order of things military life still gave him. It was a reassurance to him, having returned home knowing his father was dead. His mother had died when Orsino was just 12. 

Orsino barely remembered her much now, but every now and then he could see flashes of their family in the castle rooms. His father, studiously smoking cigars with the other gentlemen, His mother occupied at the piano in the room next to that, surrounded by the other ladies in waiting. The castle seemed innocent then, now it was stripped of such warmth. 

The dinner guests talked about the usual things, state business, rumors of more raids by the remnants of Mezeline’s forces along the coast - privateering done under the disguise that they were ignorant of peace between the two countries. Gossip and social intrigue. Orsino sighed, boredly and sat down his fork in favor of picking up his wine glass.

“You will marry soon my Lord?” Said one of his generals from beside him. 

Orsino choked, but recovered.

“Oh, in a fashion General, I will need to see peace finalized before I can fix on anything of such frivolous distraction that women offer.” He smiled warmly.  
He had* thought of women in his free time, particularly Lady Olivia. Before the war, Olivia’s brother was a regular attender at court. Olivia’s father was a master at business in the capital's ports - and on good standing with Duke Orsino’s father. Olivia was beautiful and the physical embodiment any man would want in a woman, Orsino could hunt for her like a dog after a deer. The thrill of chase made Orsino smile to himself.

Dinner ended, and everyone retired to the game room, Orsino noticed the young Cesario lingering next to his mother’s piano “Do you play young Cesario?” he asked.

Cesario began to silently protest, when Valentine chimed in from the room “Please do play, you said once that your mother was famed for her tallent. In the past I had even heard of her here in Illyria, I faintly remember the Duke’s mother petitioning that your family be brought here for entertainment, but remorsefully it was never followed through.” 

Cesario nodded shy, but sat at the piano as requested. His thin long fingers began to play, and Orsino thought his heart was hearring the music instead of his ears, this boy was a masterful musician. The song ended, and the hushed group of men had now began to clap in encouragement.

“That was wonderful!” Orsino said. Valentine had even wiped a touched tear from one eye. Cesario stood and bowed, but instead of the joy Orsino thought should rest there, he saw only sadness. 

Cesario excused himself for air on the balcony and Orsino took two wine glasses and followed him.

“Here boy, drink - you look very distraught for someone who just did the impossible - Valentine has never showed such emotion openly - I’ve known him my entire life.” Orsino held out to Cesario the glass and looked him over with compassion.

Cesario shrugged, and turned to look out over the rocky coast that laid below the castle walls. “It's been a long time since I played piano for anyone, I admit to hoping my fingers had forgotten music.”

Orsino looked at the night sky above and wondered how to respond to Cesario’s depressed thought, “War can change a lot about who we are, I hardly recognize myself sometimes since I’ve returned. Both because I’m near to 30 and because of the mask I wore for battle. But, still - I believe that the dead - would see our joy restored in spite of the loss of their company.” He looked over Cesario again. Seeing bitterness change to calm on the beautiful soft face, it warmed Orsino’s heart.

Cesario nodded and finished his wine. “I think, My Lord - I hear much of the wisdom of my brother in your words.” Cesario hesitated to continue, looking into his empty cup.

Orsino watched him still, interested “Your brother is wise then, and I would know him?” he meant for this to lighten the heaviness of the conversation, and swallowed more of his wine waitting Cesario’s response.

“My brother is dead as well, My Lord. But he haunts me still, in glimpses or phrases thrown out by people abscently around me. I miss him dearly, and would devote all my life to honor his memory - even that would fall short though.” Cesario then turned to leave “Forgive me My Lord, the wine has gone to my head. Thank you for dinner, it was a great thing you’ve done for my father’s memory. I will retire.” and bowing to Orsino, he left.

Orsino turned to stare off into the ocean now, the swirl of water hurdling itself onto the rocks below, thinking about the deeply feeling young man that had shared his company and hearing the echo of music Cesario had played that night.


	2. Breaking the Surface

For two months I threw myself into service for the Duke’s secretary Valentine. The captain’s cousin had made the introduction for me. Valentine was elderly, and reminded me a lot of my school professors. He was content to use my youthful energy as courier for the Duke’s local correspondence. I was faithful in my tasks. However, some messages were of great importance - those Valentine delivered himself. I had impressed him though.

Valentine was through in his interview of my background. And he was relieved that I not only was well read, but knew several languages. I had passed inspection, and found peace in my work for the gentleman. It made me nervous when Valentine started to leave me alone to work for the Duke, but if I kept quietly to my task, surely I wouldn't be discovered to really be - Violet the young woman of 20, not* studious and quiet gentleman Cesario. When I was first introduced to Duke Orsino, I panicked, thinking he had realized my lie. Valentine came to my rescue however, unknowingly.

Dinner that first night at the had been hard as well. I thought originally I would have liked to play piano in the Duke’s court - but after being asked to play, I froze with sorrow - my heart left my body the instant my fingers touched the ivory keys. In two months I had been avoiding all memory of my family and the hole that had been left there. The Duke was very kind in his attention to my sorrow. We shared a moment that night, confiding something out loud to each other of our uncertainty about our positions in life now. For me, how to honor the memory of my family and not be swallowed by my great grief. For the Duke, how to take on the responsibility of his family title but still be true to himself. This turned into an unexpected friendship I began to cherish, and over the last two weeks - the Duke seemed to as well.

Peace was finalized. The last copy made of this decree - I stretched my fingers, then my aching shoulders and back from my seat. The Duke had moved to the window, looking ever the caged animal. 

I stood. “Finished My Lord, all copies made to your satisfaction.” The Duke turned to smile warmly in my direction, he had been slowly mending I noticed, favoring his wounds less. “You’ll be out with your calvary soon I hope? Or whatever your Lordship seeks as a hobby now that this is finished.” I smiled to him.

Orsino rolled his eyes and nodded rubbing his neck with his free hand “Yes Cesario - and what will Valentine do to occupy you? You are as sick of the walls of this castle as I am.” He chuckled

I couldn’t help but agree with him, looking around and shoving my hands into the pockets of my slacks. “Yes, I *do miss being outside, being active - my father was an avid swordsman & would pull me and my brother from lessons to practice often. Much* to the irritation of my professors when exams began.” I couldn't help but smile on the memory of my Mother trying to reassure one professor that the education of their children was still serious to their parents - but winking at my father in collusion. I cleared my throat, feeling unguarded.

“Then Join my calvary men!” Orsino announced, he seemed honest in his enthusiasm.

“My Lord?” It was one thing to be Valentine’s page - but cavalry soldier - I had never entertained the idea. It would be dangerous, and discovery of my true identity by one of the other soldiers would be even more present. 

“You are not content to be errand boy or sit at a desk - in my early youth I was not either - We share our need to be active & calvary is the perfect outlet.” I could see that the Duke was now lost in visions of his own time training for the command. Duke Orsino was tall and broad shouldered, muscular from his active life. I knew he loathed the political duties inheriting his father’s title now bound him to. He often rolled his eyes and groaned out loud when some aristocrat would enter his study while we worked, usually trying to flatter the Duke into a dubious friendship. Duke Orsino was a soldier by heart - and not a respecter of persons. I admired this about him.

“I don't know how to ride horses with much skill My Lord - I only ride for transportation from point A to B.” I was urgent to see this idea pass by my master, but apprehensive and against my will, I was also excited by it. It would mean new challenges, but greater danger - I was more like my father than I liked to admit.

“I will hear no more argument from you Cesario - Major Sheer will take your report in the morning. I will see to the transfer myself. It will mean a great honor to you, and raise your position in the castle above what it is now. Besides, a soldiers pay is much better than a secretary.” Orsino was now appealing to my practical heart. The position might offer danger, but protection and a heavy purse as well. 

I nodded in agreement, “Calvary so be it then.” I said. The Duke smiled in happiness to my agreement, I smiled as well. I was apprehensive, but The Duke was infectious in his enthusiasm.

\----------  
Major Sheer was a man’s soldier, but fair. He reminded me of a Roman Centurion that father had shown us in illustrations when we were children. But he rewarded hard work fairly. The calvary held a place of prestige in Illyria. They were elite among the other ranks of military, and they trained to be battle ready at any moment. I was very often dragging when I finally made it to bed at night. The physicality was grueling and Major Sheer had been even more diligent in his attention on me - I was the smallest among the other recruits. I realized instantly that everyone there knew I was admitted to their ranks only because the Duke wanted me to be. 

My friendship with Duke Orsino was dear to me. We grew closer over the weeks that I trained at the castle, and He invited me to dinner with him most nights. We talked to each other about everything and anything like we had been doing so our whole lives. I started to feel my heart leap into my throat when he entered the hall to see how training was proceeding. It was getting harder to not see the Duke as only my Master & friend - but more as the devastatingly handsome man he was. This growing attraction also made me terribly sad - I would always be gentleman friend Cesario to him - never Violet the woman.

Orsino left the castle more frequently to spend time with me as I trained outdoors, speaking freely with me in a way that I could tell drew the attention of my fellow soldiers. Today he found me coming in from practicing my riding, “Really - I am apprehensive about the patrol - but Major Sheer is the only officer here that might exceed your* ability to ride - He has been through in his training. I am ready to go when called.” I reassured Orsino about my abilities. I would be given my orders soon - training was almost finished. 

Orsino smiled, but was fumbling around for something in his mind. He always chewed on his bottom lip when he wanted to ask something but wasn't sure how to phrase it. I finished brushing my horse and looked up at him in protest “But that’s not why you’re here - so out with it.” I said

Orsino winced, “Damn, well - You know me as no one else. You know of my character maybe even better than I do apparently.” Cesario could read Orsino’s thoughts, even when he thought he had kept himself so guarded. 

“I need your help to seek Lady Olivia’s favor.” Orsino blurted out, looking at his friends face embarrassed for his request.

I was shocked - girl trouble? Really, the Duke had just spent the past 4 months in heated peace negotiation but was in pain to ask a girl if she’d like him? I was simultaneously flattered by his trust in our friendship and disgusted that a woman would occupy his thoughts romantically. 

“I’m sure I have less experience than you at winning the affection of women My Lord.” I said.

“Yes - but - she will not see me. Her brother was under my command when he died. She doesn’t ‘blame me’ for his death - but has shut herself off from all the world in grief.” Orsino now looked off in the distance in admiration “It makes me wonder if she would be different from other women. You know I am a passionate soul, it makes me excited to think anyone would match that in love. If Lady Olivia loves so strongly for her brother - imagine…” Orsino was trailing off in dreamy gaze now. I rolled my eyes and walked around him nervously irritated by his request and hung up the straps of the bridle.

“If she is so ‘stuck in grief’ why would she see me? And *if she would entertain me - what would I say?” I crossed my arms in protest and earnest resolve to challenge his foolish reasoning for sending me.

Orsino stood like a wolf on the prowl, circling closer to me like he was about to eat his victim. “She will see you once her servents say how a beautiful young man sits at her gate.” 

I scoffed and rolled my eyes, leaning back on the horse’s stall door. “Yeah right!”

Orsino was drawing closer and pounced to corner me, pinning me, I could not escape his close examination now, I felt his breath on my neck and cheek. His eyes were dark with taunting mischief. 

“I’ve seen women not as beautiful as you, your lips are pink and full like a smooth new flower…” He was laughing now through his words, his unwounded hand grabbed the collar of my shirt, pulling my body tighter against his & my heart raced, searching his eyes in terror, I squeaked in surprise of his strength. 

This seemed to only encourage Orsino “Your barely past infancy - your voice still cracks like a girls - if I dressed you up in a woman’s clothes you could all but play the part with no argument.” 

What started out as my friend innocently teasing me was pushing the boundaries of both my patients and the discovery of my true identity, I had now forced my face centimeters from his and stared him directly in the eyes with a burning gaze of challenge. 

My horse could feel this too apparently, and right as I was about to kiss Orsino in answer to what *I, Violet, thought about my part as a woman, the horse kicked the stall door with such force that Orsino’s mending arm was re-injured. Instantly the moment was broken, Orsino released me yelling out in pain. I felt relieved, but sorry for his injury.

Later, In my guilt for letting our argument get out of hand, I visited Orsino lounging in the castle. He was pale with pain again - as I had first seen him when we met months ago. He looked at me and smiled through dazed eyes, raising his hand for me to hold it in a white flag of truce between us. 

“In duty of your friendship request, I will see to this Lady Olivia on your behalf. But what would you have me say?” I didn't want to do this, but Orsino was my only true friend, his generosity resulted in not only my title as officer in the calvary - but the financial windfall that came with the officer's commission.

“I will leave that to you. You know my heart.” Orsino squeezed my hand. He might as well have squeezed my heart. I nodded and resisted kissing his hand, swallowing hard I released him and left to see the ‘Goddess Venus’ Lady Olivia’ - who occupied my Master & friends heart in a way that made me burn with envy.

Whatever I told her of Orsino would need to convince both her & me of the honesty in this match.


	3. War of the Roses

Irritation didn't hold enough meaning to how I felt. I had been treated like a speck of sand stuck to an oyster since arriving at Lady Oliva’s home. Her staff had been rude in wishing me to leave and not bother the Lady. I refused, out of unchallenged loyalty to Orsino. I assured all who answered that Lady Olivia would speak with me - or I would wait like a tree planted in my spot at her front door until she came outside. Finally on my 5th knock, the seriousness of my intent gave her lady in waiting pause, and upon examining for the sincerity of my threat, she nodded in defeat. She agreed to ask Lady Olivia herself to see me - finally inviting me to wait in the inner parlor.

The Lady’s home was lavishly decorated. Nothing like Orsino’s castle - but just as large. Her father had been in charge of much of the commerce for the country I had been told by the ship's captain who’d helped me with my current disguise and appointment to the Duke’s service - and the family appeared to do well, as I looked around, at least at one point. I noticed nothing looked out of place, Lady Olivia must have been recovering her finances - she hadn’t needed to sell any of her belongings to pay for her staff or grounds - yet. I waited impatiently.

\--------

Olivia had a headache. She always got a headache when she sat in the office, sorting out the finances of the house. Looking at her desk - the pile of invoices and bills had shrunk under her effort. She was not as clueless and meek as many people would assume based on her rank as a Lady & her outward appearance. 

Olivia stood and looked out the glass window, she sighed, seeing her reflection instead of the beautiful spring day. Nature was not her friend. She preferred the company of books.

Even Olivia studied her reflection and admitted that she looked outwardly beautiful - a copy of her mother’s portrait looked like a mirror to Olivia’s face. Her mother died giving birth to Olivia - this had always caused her father, a kind and doting father to spoil her with his love even more. Her brother was older than her by only 4 years - but protected her from any man who was unworthy of his beloved sisters affection. 

She missed her brother. He was the only confidant she had. The only man who ever saw past her outside shell and into her mind and soul freely. 

Interrupted by a knock at her door she turned to see her lady in waiting - Margaret. “There is a gentleman from Duke Orsino’s calvary outside. He refuses to leave until you will talk with him.”

Olivia snorted. “I told the Duke by letter, that after my brother’s death I *will not* entertain any man, no matter what his false earnest profession of affection is.” Olivia stood straighter “Even the Duke himself.” She was firm.

Duke Orsino was the same age as her brother, they were friends in war, and both were cavalrymen. Olivia noticed before the war how the Duke was lavished on by any number of young eager woman - he seemed before the war to enjoy being the center of attention. It made Olivia roll her eyes in memory. 

After her brother came home injured and then died, the Duke was not the same man she knew, he had been respectful of her loss, but also showed his still true conciete. He condescending in his conversation with her - suggested that *He personally could help to find her a manger for her estate. Olivia knew the Duke thought little about a woman being equal to the tasks of men in either thought or ability. More than anything - this in itself drove her to think of him as pompous. And now he dared* to send one of his soldiers to ‘check up’ on her. Olivia scoffed again.

“Tell this gentleman I am busy, or sleeping, or that I am doing anything!” She tried to dismiss Margaret, but the maid protested.

“I tried to send him away, we all have, but he sat himself down on your Lady’s front step like he would make a home there until you spoke. I believe he *will not leave until you’ve heard him.” Margaret was wincing, Olivia could tell she just wanted to be rid of her status as go-between in this game.

“Alright, I will see him then.” She arched a brow in curiosity, this soldier was bold. “Tell me Margaret - what is this soldier like?” Olivia asked, trying to seem non-partial in her question.

Margaret blushed “Oh, young - maybe early 20s - and very* handsome in a delicate way, he looks more like a poet than a soldier.” She curtsied and left the room to notify this man of Oliva’s soon arrival. 

“Hmm...poet-soldier? Now I *must hear what he has to say - I thought Duke Orsino only kept company with brutes.” Oliva’s mischievous thoughts got the better of her, and she looked over her appearance in the office mirror. She still wore black, and adjusted the bodice of her dress. Her dark hair was piled on top of her head in a cascade of curls. She didn't look too matronly, but would have to do. Then she turned to meet Orsino’s herald.

\-----------

I heard footsteps finally, and turned around in time to see the parlor door swing open. Lady Olivia stepped through and I took her in at length ‘sizing up’ my competition. Olivia moved like a swan to position herself with pomp onto the room’s luxurious couch. I had no idea how Orsino would ever afford to keep such an exotic bird as this? I knew he was not one to purchase lavish comforts. 

Lady Olivia cleared her throat like she had spent her life rehearsing the sound of gentile womanly grace, “You have some pursuit of my company gentleman? My maid says you were very rude in your request to be admitted.”

I rolled my eyes and looked at Oliva with contempt “If I have been rude - it was in response to my treatment. Your maid is like a giant guarding the door of your home.” taking a deep breath I calmed myself - I was here for my friendship of Orsino alone. “I have come to ask if you would favor My Master Orsino with your affection.”

Olivia rose and looked at me with disdain, like I had just announced it would rain today “I doubt Orsino thinks as highly of my affection - he just enjoys the idea of it - and the allure of my outward appearance”

I crossed my arms and scoffed “Though you are a devil with your opinion - I admit you are beautiful. Tell me Lady Olivia - did God give you all* your good looks, or are some by your own skill?” 

I could see Oliva was shocked that a man would speak to her so, let alone a soldier who was not only less in social rank that herself - but also younger. She blushed but countered my insult with surprising confidence. 

“All my beauty will stand wind or weather - it belongs to me as naturally as the spring outside my door.” Olivia rose from her perch and pushed past me to walk out onto the large stone patio just outside. I followed and tried to focus again, that I was here for Orsino.

“My Master thinks highly of you dear Lady. And you’re contempt for this affection has me confused. Duke Orsino has only ever treated me with generosity, respect & kindness. You should hear the opinion he has of you, it is not solely about your beauty, but of admiration for the loyalty you show in grief over your brother’s death.” I couldn’t be more honest with her. If Lady Olivia could only see Orsino the way I did - there would be no way she’d think so little of him.

Oliva paused, turning around to look over this gentleman of the Duke’s. She could see he was very loyal to his master, and very honest in the belief of his assessment on Orsino’s character. Olivia shook her head in refusal again though “No. Duke Orsino is not for me. It’s true we’d make a fine match - He is handsome and noble, his estate is vast and well managed by himself. The Duke would make any woman happy as a husband - but not me. I just don’t feel any romantic loyalty to him.” Olivia hoped he would understand, she didn't mean to slander the Duke’s reputation - but she was her own woman. The Duke just wasn’t her type.

I had to respect her answer. Though, I was surprised by myself to admit, I even liked her. Lady Oliva was not as I had imagined in my jealousy. She was pretty, but smart and confident. She had command over her home as well as Orsino had command over his. I nodded in agreement to her final words. Then I studied her closer - My brother Sebastian would’ve liked her with great enthusiasm. Before our world went crashing down around our ears Sebastian had thought over several eligible ladies in Meseline. But would confide in me that none had every piece he desired in one woman.

I smiled kindly at Lady Olivia and made a graceful bow to her. “My Lady, you do deserve a man who would love you greatly, not just for your beauty or title, but for your whole soul.” I raised, seeing Oliva blush scarlet - I thought how Sebastian would make a spectacle of himself over someone like her - had he survived the wreck and not drowned. I offered my arm to Lady Olivia as I motioned I would now leave to tell Orsino of her decline of his affection. She took it gently and we strolled towards the gate. I heard her sigh.

“I wonder sometimes if such a man has ever existed that would win my heart honestly” she said sadly. I blinked at her and smiled. I thought of what Sebastian would do.

“If I was worthy of you - I would make a camp at your front door. You would not be able to escape the walls of your home without running over me. All night I would call after you - my soul - within the house.” this seemed to cheer Lady Olivia up, it gave me encouragement. I knew how much weight greif could put on your attitude. Duke Orsino had helped me in his friendship, maybe in a small way I could help this Lady too. 

I seized her hand then, and swung her and myself around in a dizzy circle and we both laughed “You would not find rest day or night - you would pity my desperate cries. I would write so many letters and poems you would have time for no other business but to read them!” We both laughed and fell gently onto the grass lawn in a heap. Finally catching our breath I stood and took her hand giving it a friendly squeeze “Yes, you would pity me in my love so much - that you would have no choice but to love me in return.” I helped her stand, and sighed deeply as I released her. I felt close to Sebastian then, and it sent a shiver up my spine. 

Olivia was looking at me with concern now, I shrugged “ I will tell my Master your answer.” I began to walk farther from her, but she oddly followed me.

“What sort of status are you in life, young gentleman?” She asked, I thought it odd but replied in all the honesty I could give despite my own ‘male’ appearance.

“I am not of title, but I have commission as an officer in the Duke’s calvary - my financial estate is well.” I smiled at the idea that I was* becoming quite better off than I had ever been on my own before.

Olivia grabbed at her finger a ring, and she forced it into my hand “Please, take this, for your trouble with me and my staff - we’ve treated you terribly.” Oliva was urgently searching my face.

I tried to give the ring back but she backed away. “I am not offended in your company, though my Master will be distraught in your news. I will do my best to soothe him, and make sure to relate your response gently, assuring him of your honor.” I slipped the ring on one finger, I didn’t want to be rude, but this was an over the top gesture. I nodded “Goodbye then beautiful cruel maid.” I teased and turned leaving.

Olivia had been holding her breath. Giving this young soldier her ring was a bold risk - he accepted it to her delight! Maybe there was* a chance he would fulfill all the things he spoke of, to romance her properly. She was excited at the idea. “Come again - with any response your Master would have?!” She called out after him, to see him turn and acknowledge he heard. Olivia spun on her heels then and skipped into the house. She didn’t even know his name, but the idea of him was overwhelming in her heart. She smiled so broadly she thought her face would crack. He was a handsome poet indeed, perhaps not of all her dreams, but he made her heart race. 

Her stomach growled, Olivia was suddenly hungry and moved to skip about the house searching for food in the kitchens, Margaret and the rest of the servants were shocked. Olivia had barely touched food at all since her brother died. This new young man though made her hungry in new ways she thought not possible. Olivia was hungry for what might pass between them. 

Olivia tempered that hunger though will the triangle before her - this young man seemed to be very loyal to Orsino & Orsino obviously thought highly of him, enough to trust the young man to do his wooing. Olivia thought this over as she walked back to the office to continue working with a small plate filled with odd bits of food. She would need to proceed cautiously, and wait with held breath at his return with news. Her headache was gone. Working on the merchantry business seemed easier now.

\--------------

It took an entire day to travel between Lady Olivia's estate inland and Lord Orsino’s castle on the coast. I glanced at the ring on my finger with caution as I entered Orsino’s office, and put my hands into the pockets of my pants self-consciously. I wasn’t sure how he’d take Lady Olivia’s rejection. Orsino was the only person I knew who could turn everything into a competition. It irritated me sometimes how, on the rare occasion he lost to cards after dinner, he would pout like some beaten puppy. He rose upon seeing me and practically shoved everyone out of the room. I motioned silently for him to stay seated.

“You’re looking better My Lord since I’ve been away. Now that your brace is gone you’ll be able to hide your cards better at dinner.” I was avoiding delivering my news. The Duke saw through this and dismissed me.

“What did Lady Olivia say? My mind has been tossed about on the oceans waves to know! Tell me good news my friend?” Orsino was looking hopeful. It broke my heart as I looked down sadly. I heard Orsino stand and move to a small table across the room, opening something, his body was tense. 

“Im sorry My Lord - but Lady Olivia does not return your offer of affection. Though she was gentle and meek in her attitude. She is quite firm in denial.” I lied about the meek and gentle attitude of Olivia - but I didn’t want to knock her from the cracking pedestal Orsino held for her. He deserved to be happy with someone just as much as Lady Olivia did. The thought of Orsino with anyone but myself gave me pain, but I had to keep this masked. 

Orsino held out a cigarette to me, he was sad - but surprisingly not too heart broken. That gave me hope for his attitude to improve. Orsino shrugged as he light his cigarette and my own. I didn’t smoke - but this was part of the disguise. Trying to not seem obvious in my choking, I paced the length of the room. 

“Her response is sad, but I admit to being a bit relieved that she would turn me down. Now, looking back - I sent you on a false errand. Olivia’s beauty alone is what first drew me to affection.” Orsino looked at me smugly. “I enjoy her form in idea - but maybe not in sincerity.”

This wasn’t news to me. I nodded “Truly she is fair. Though, she seemed to me a bit too feminine for your taste, My Lord. I don't think Lady Olivia can scarcely stomach nature with enthusiasm.” It was a fair judgement. Orsino and Olivia were* equal in beauty - but opposite in everything else. I think they’d been too alike and too different at the same time to ever make each other truly happy. 

I watched Orsino as he sat back down in his chair, slouching. “Yes…” He said in some sort of resolution. I hope he saw the light in my judgement. 

\--------------

After dinner that night, I dug through a box of old sheet music Valentine had enthusiastically provided from it’s dusty place somewhere in the castle. All of the gentlemen still awake after our long evening gathered to socialize. I came across one song in particular that I recognized. My mother had often played it for my father - a love ballad by someone she knew. She was an excellent singer, but proclaimed the writer of this song to be even better than herself. I smiled and abscently played a few notes. 

“Tell me friend Cesario - do you think that song will mend the wounds of my rejected heart?” Orsino said as both a jabb to my choice and to mock his own primadonna attitude. I stopped, and looked to him in protest. 

“It is a beautiful song to play. My mother would play it for my father sometimes. I often thought it echoed from the very halls for Love’s throne room.” I was lost in a romantic vision of my father running his hands lovingly over my mother's shoulders as she played piano just before kissing her, they were an example of true soul mates.

“I heard it was written by Fest - a musician once in the employment of Lady Olivia’s father. He was said to have a beautiful singing voice.” Valentine chimed in, he was a vast wealth of random knowledge.

I nodded, “Yes, my mother often spoke of this as well.”

Orsino motioned for me to join him at cards, I sat down as other gentlemen and aristocrats jealousy excused themselves from our presence. I winced at their rejection - but Orsino didn’t phase in his attitude or desire of me to play. He was smoking another cigaret and drinking as he dealt cards, I joined him. “You speak of Love masterly. Tell me Cesario - has some lady caught your eye now?”

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, balancing my cards and wincing at the bad hand I had been dealt. I looked to Orsino - he looked like the cat who just ate the canary. I shook my head dismissively and traded some of my cards, as did he.

“I might have My Lord, but my heart is a boring subject.” I wished for once, Orsino would leave me alone and just enjoy the game. But once I had confirmed his bite - I knew he would pursue the subject like a shark.

“Tell me, what does she look like? Is she of fair coloring?” Orsino pushed, typically of himself. Our game continued.

Fine - If you want to play - I will play “Oh, similar to you...” I wasn’t lying. I was desperately attracted to his dark good looks.

Orsino snorted and flicked ash from his cigarette enjoying the mystery behind our conversation. “She isn’t beautiful enough for someone like you then. How old is she?” Orsino was jealous.

I shrugged, pleased to see he was now threatened that someone would love me and not him. “About the same age as yourself.” I took two more cards. I would neither confirm or deny anything. I couldn’t. This lie that I was Cesario - not Violet - must be maintained. It wasn’t just for my own safety anymore. It was for Orsino’s as well. People had been starting rumors now about how much I was the Duke’s favorite, and how we spoke with great familiarity. If I was found to be in disguise - the conspiracy against him would go against the political power he held. Because if Duke Orsino could be fooled by his best friend - what could he be trusted with? No, my charade had* to continue - if not for Orsino’s reputation & my safety - but for the infant peace treaty he had just signed with Mezeline which would suffer second thought if all was revealed. I was firm in this belief.

Orsino sat back in his chair, shocked “You should give up on her and let an older man take your place.” He said in earnest. I looked up confused, but Orsino leaned across the space between us to whisper his next words of advice “We men are passionate in having our more...carnal desires met.” I shifted uncomfortably in my chair, but the conversation continued “What I mean is, an older woman will not be able to satisfy you physically.”

I sat back, nodding in confusion and shock “I think I will be well pleased.” I was blushing. Our card game was stalled.

“Women don’t want for pleasure as deeply as men do. They are like roses. Beautiful once they do surrender in bloom - but quickly spent and die.” He sat back and looked me over in sympathy as if I had no clue. I wondered who had ‘spent Orsino’s bloom’ to give him the idea that a virtuous woman wouldn’t - or couldn’t sexually fulfill her husband. I shrugged this off - wishing better for my friend.

The card game continued.”Well, I’m sorry for your opinion of women’s lust. I believe anyone would grow old and dead to a lover who prowls around the garden in search of any flower to please him. To me - I would see my lover as a gift - blooming to perfection along with me before I die as well.” I laid down my cards to match Orsino’s, winning the game unchallenged.

Orsino was looking at me with shame. I was right, and he knew it.

\-------------  
Orsino walked out onto the balcony, soaked in drink, everyone else having gone to bed and laughed at the world. Cesario was in a new light to Orsino - wiser than his years. Orsino clapped his hand on Cesarios back in admiration. They had gone out to the balcony to hear the waves roar against the castle walls and see the moon shine. Orsino smiled contentedly, and moved his hand over Cesarios back up to the crook of his neck and shoulder, feeling quite drunk - but also feeling the shiver that ran up Cesario’s body as Orsino touched him.

Even in moonlight Orsino couldn’t quite shake how much Cesario looked feminine. Orsino caught his own breath in surprise. He felt himself physically aroused with desire by the closeness of Cesario’s body to his in the cold night air. He wanted to move his hand, but couldn't. 

Orsino was not unacquainted to men who were homosexual - Major Sheen was a homosexual. In the military though, your actions carried a heavier weight and loyalty. No soldier in their unit would ever* question the deeds or worth of Major Sheen based on his sexual preference. Orsino respected the Major - but had never before shared in his attraction to other men. Now, he was questioning everything he knew about himself.

His thumb ran upwards into Cesario’s blonde shaggy hair, he admired how it fell in waving curls. Then he felt Cesario tense and pull away. This broke Orsino’s grasp and he swayed both in his drunkenness from wine and the rush of cold that was now left pressing against the warm heat Cesario had been providing in such close proximity. He refocused, catching himself on the castle wall. 

I was blushing a deep burgundy. I knew Orsino was deep in wine. We both were - staying up far too late after everyone else retired. We played and drank away our earlier conversation. It's how we mended things between us - in a sort of apologetic battle of cards and wine. 

I had lost track of who I was - not Cesario, loyal cavalryman and friend - but was for a moment instead Violet. I melted into his touch as he put his hand on my back, silently urging him to touch me more. When he returned that non-spoken plea by pressing his chest and body into me, I shook with desire. I wanted to be Violet again. He had to see past this assumed identity?

Or was I wrong about his sexual appetite? I couldn’t stand it - Orsino had admitted to being unconfident about himself since he returned home from the war - maybe he was unconfident in his sexuality as well? When his fingers moved into my hair I practically pushed him off. We were both drunk & I would not be the one to take advantage of that loss of control.

I practically shoved him off. “Goodnight My Lord. I get my final commission tomorrow from Major Sheen & then orders will follow next week. I can barely stand I’m so drunk. Off to bed I’ll go now.” I hoped I had saved his pride.


	4. The Web Tangles

The morning air was bright and crisp, much to my hatred. I was horribly hungover. I spent most of the morning either vomiting or rubbing my throbbing headache. By a miracle I had managed to find every article of clothing I had drunkenly pushed off my body before collapsing, naked into bed.

I begin the ceremony that I had performed every morning for the last 5 months - bounding my chest as flat as I could stand to maintain my boyish form. I examined my silhouette in the mirror with a new hatred. Last night still buzzed around my splitting head like a fly, the warmth of Orsino’s embrace, hung on me like a bitter flame. I shooed the fly away and pulled on my dress shirt and briefs. This was done just in time as my door flung open.

I cursed under my breath in fright - I had forgotten to bolt the door in a drunken stupor and there stood Orsino, openly flushed and staring at my naked legs. I pulled my trousers from the back of the chair and barked at him “Really My Lord?!” Orsino blushed and I pulled on my trousers. Hopefully Orsino hadn't had time to see much. 

“Of course, I’m….I just wanted to make sure you were up. Last night was …. Rough...and it’s an important day.” Orsino looked away from me, searching the opposite wall for anything other than me to fix his eyes on. 

“Right, rough.” I said and pulled on my suspenders, dress coat and now sat to pull on boots. “Look, we were drunk, let's just forget about it.” I didn’t want to forget, I secretly hoped he didn’t remember much about my reaction to his advancement, and I needed him to just move on. This time, Orsino did. He nodded and closed the door as he left.

The entire group of recruits who had survived Major Sheen’s vigorous screening and training were gathered on horse back for one last ceremony, a rite of passage. We would need to finish an over-land race across the coast. It was tradition that went back to the founding of the calvary - a right of passage. I was nervously gripping the reins of my horse, catching the eye of Major Sheen who came over to inspect my horse, and everyone's before we’d be allowed to leave. 

The other commanding officers watched us, some swelling with pride, others looking hard to say with their gaze ‘good luck - try not to ruin today and die.’ I saw Orsino looking at me with pride and sickness, I could tell he still wanted to talk, but there was no way. I didn’t return his gaze, Instead I felt Major Sheen’s heavy hand rest on my shoulder, then grip one of my hands and shake it with respect.

“I've had my doubts of your...sincerity.” He looked from the Duke to Me and I fought off a blush, swallowing hard. “But I do believe you’ll be one of the best officers I’ve ever had the pleasure to serve alongside.” His usually unmoving eyes flickered with sincere emotion and tender fondness. I nodded in thanks, not wanting to draw attention to myself or the Major. 

All my fellow new recruits mounted, and the race to complete our arduous journey began. We would ride together the long way around the coast, meeting the regular enlisted cavalry and officers who took the shorter and more direct course at the beach nearest the garrison’s regular home. 

This would be the last time the Calvary stayed at the Duke’s personal residence. It was dangerous, full of obstacles for both your own endurance and the horse you rode. To make it ontime you would have to work not only as one with your horse, but one with your fellow calvary. Of the 20 men who began along side me in training two months ago, only 6 including myself remained. We didn’t need to speak command to one another - we trained too long and unceasingly to not succeed. So by the afternoon sun - dirt smeared and everyone in my company exhausted - we made it within sight of the garrison. I was delighted and relieved to arrive early and without incident. As we moved full speed towards our final destination - the officers emerged from the wooded path to join us on horseback. I saw Duke look to me with relief, I finally relaxed as well. I was now truly part of the Illyrian Calvary. 

Dismounting and rubbing my saddle sore legs and arms, I was swept off my feet by Major Sheen, who was overjoyed along with the rest of the group we had not only made it - but had beat the enlisted cavalry veterans - to enter the gates first. I laughed at his enthusiasm, he sat me down on my feet again, embracing the others in brotherly affection as well. 

Major Sheen found me in the stables. He informed me that my horse was now a gift of his to me. I was overcome with his generosity, my eyes teared. “He belonged to someone I...loved.” His confession amazed and moved me to tenderness. “We joined the calvary together, to be together. I lost him, in the war.” Major Sheen’s voice cracked, but he recovered quickly and kissed the horse’s face, then nodded to me. “He would have liked your spirit and commitment. And He would have been in great approval of your loyalty to Duke Orsino.” He then turned to leave, telling no more, nor taking any formal thanks from me. I finished brushing my horse, and fed him both water and oats at length. Major Sheen surprised me. I was so very thankful to count him as my ally.

We were treated to a hot bath in our individual rooms and fresh clothes. I had just emerged clean for dinner when I heard my name called from one of the bathing rooms as I passed. “Cesario, enter boy!”

I paused in the doorway, not sure if I should enter. The Duke was alone, bathing in a tub of hot water. The last light of the day filtered into the window, he looked like some beautiful renaissance painting, the warm light catching his tanned skin and setting his face a glow. Steam from his bath filling the room around him. “Please, come.”

I closed the door behind me, and cautiously circled him. I resisted all I could to not look inside the water at him, afraid I’d gawk. Instead I stood before the fire behind him, holding out my hands to warm them, silent. I then slowly took a seat in the rooms only chair, beside the Duke’s bathtub and held onto the towel meant to dry off the Duke when he chose to be done.  
\------------------

Orsino couldn't stop thinking about Cesario. His mouth had gone dry with panic thinking that his friend might not survive the ride. He was so distraught at the idea of losing his best friend, that it drove him to throw open Cesario’s room door that morning and thought to beg him to not go. He didn't, couldn’t ask him to abandon his calvary commission for no reason, and so just left. Orsino himself had seen several men over the years kill both themselves and their horses in the same race. 

When he realized Cesario had made it - joy and warmth filled him with such force, he didn’t know it had been possible to die of relief - but die he had. He was coming to terms with his attraction, both emotionally and physically. Though it seemed impossible still, he examined other men with new apprehension - but did not see the same allure as he did when he was close to Cesario. Tonight would be the great experiment then. He would risk all to see if Cesario and himself were compatible. It made Orsino sick, but he had to know. This made him question everything about himself as a man. Cesario was obviously attracted to Orsino. His response on the balcony all but confirmed it. So did the coded conversation they had over cards before that. Orsino hadn’t thought in depth about it before, but now he was sure, that the person of interest he had pulled out of Cesario was not a woman as he had assumed, but himself. Tonight would either confirm or deny this.

He knew Cesario’s steps. They were shorter in stride than the other men, and soft. “Cesario! Enter boy.” Orsino called, he saw that Cesario did enter, and was looking startled at Orsino’s bold invitation. He waved to the youth “Please, come.” Orsino’s own voice felt like a pale echoing plea. He closed his eyes to steady himself, and reclined openly in the warm water of the tub. Orsino could cut the tension between them through the air. He peeked a glance through one eye at Cesario and relaxed when he saw him sit beside the tub. 

\----------  
I leaned over Orsino and took a deep breath and reaching for a sponge to clean him. Squeezing water over Orsino's chest, then back after he leaned forward. I was falling into a hypnosis - studying the scars and bruises still left from his healing wounds of war. My hand firmly yielding the sponge to wash any dirt or hurt away from the one person I had left to care for on this earth. 

“What will time say between me and the object of my adoration?” Orsino’s voice echoed off the stone walls around them. “How will they yield to me, when we are finally one flesh?” 

I bit down on my bottom lip, this moment between us could be the last and only time I ever saw Orsino again after I received my orders in the morning. It made me want to sob with joy for the gift of this moment.  
\--------------

Orsino moaned under the massaging of Cesarios hand. Orsino felt desire well up inside him deeply for the warm water and the brush of Cesario’s fingers against his back to continue. “What will we cry out in panting moans, when our brains and souls are so merged, we become shadows of one another?”

The sponge slipped from my hand. I heard myself moan at the words he spoke, of being with Orsino sexually, pleasing each other passionately. In this vision, I dug my fingers into the flesh of his back, to force this union to be more than words.

Orsino reached to grab me, pulling me into the water with a splash - clothes and all. 

The water brought me back to reality finally. My eyes sprung open wide, my hands pushing against Orsino’s chest, feeling his arousal pressing with urgency against my backside. Water splashing everywhere around us I pushed out of his grasp and out of the tub, stumbling backwards, shivering in lust and sadness. I looked at Orsino’s face, flushed with desire and confusion at my refusal. 

My eyes over flowed with raining tears, falling freely for the first time since Sebastian's death.

“Why?” I said in anguish. “Why are you doing this?!” I crumbled backwards to the door, searching with trembling hands for the door latch, not taking my eyes from the now wounded face of Orsino. He had risen, naked and took two steps towards me, then in anger knocked over the chair beside him, breaking it into pieces.

Orsinos chest heaved with anger and disgust, at himself, Cesario, Olivia’s rejection, his exile to be Duke - removed from his Calvary and Cesario - who would receive his orders, a freedom from Orsino that would separate them, if not for months, but possibly forever. Now he felt not only emotionally abandoned by his friend - Orsino left to return to his castle from the garrison alone with no friend - but physically rejected. Orsino growled, and turned it on to Cesario - angry that he had let this boy pull down the Soldier’s mask he worked so hard to fashion over his own face and heart during war.

“I have arranged so much for your life to rise further - connected you with this...this officers commission you have. All your blessings since arrival have come from me. My favor - my pursuance. You say you are my friend, yet you perform witchcraft on me.” Orsino was seething, and even as the words spat out of his lips, he couldnt - wouldnt stop them - Cesario had to know* this - whatever it was between them - unsettled Orsino in a dangerous way.

Orsino continued “I gave you your life! For the sake of my friendship - no - my love for you.” Tears welled up in his eyes, he could see the daggers filling up Cesarios as well when he spoke. Orsino wanted his friend to lash back, maybe that would bring him back to earth.  
I couldn’t believe the selfish, brainless words that Orsino dared to speak to me. His every mannerism offended me. “Yes - *My Lord. You did give me position and provided training, and for that I *thank you. But I *earned* my commission. Despite your foolish presence.” I was too hurt and mad to stop myself now.

“I have born the hated stares and whispers of your aristocrats. I have tried to push your affection into the ocean more than once.” I pushed off the door, and hurled myself into him, I had caught him off guard and pushed him backwards two steps. 

Orsino thought he would really hit Cesario, raising his fist to punch his friend square in the jaw.

“But I know a Love for you that no one else ever will - You are the only person on this earth that holds my whole confidence in your fist - so strike me. You have a thousand times before this, hit me with words and arrogant requests and I have born each of them with pleasure to just be counted as friend to you.” I was no longer crying, but bracing myself for the deathly impact of his fist to my face.

Orsino let go of his anger in a frustrated growl, and released his fist, taking a step back, and then crumpling his body to lean on the side of the tub. I leaned beside him, running my hand over my face, shaking in relief that nothing happened.

“I know you want a love deeper than oceans, one that is larger than all the stars of the night could ever hope to shine upon. I know this because I am Cesario your friend. I hold your confidence in my hands as well.” I couldn't look at him, but felt his eyes burning into me.

“If I could be a woman - I would love you so. I would see you be consumed by my love like a flame. But you would not look upon me.” I rose from beside him and moved to pick up the bath towel that had been discarded on the floor when Orsino broke the chair. “For as a woman - whose sex is but a dead flower in your garden - I could never convince you of my ability to love.”

I looked at Orsino his face wet with tears, and handed him the towel to cover himself. “Men speak much of how they love one woman for her beauty - or another for her pleasure. Men speak much of how they would marry such a woman and speak empty vows just to bed her, and to discard her. They speak of friendship - but demand payment for their own loyalty to remain true. But Men speak little in true real love.” 

I backed away from Orsino, watching shame and torture run over his face. I felt bitterly betrayed. “So as a woman, I would sit, like patience on a stone monument for you in my unspoken love. I would see my life become a blank in time. I would wait, and watch you chase after the wind, all the while feeling a worm eat away at the apple of my heart. And when you finally glanced at me - in analyzation of my worth - I would smile at you, and still remain silent in my love.” I reached the door and opened it.

“What will become of you, of us? Where will we go from here?” Orsino asked, tortured and desperate for the advice of his best friend. His sobs wretching, as he sank to the floor, tears unceasing.

I paused in the doorway, and shrugged. I was numb again, like that first day I had set my feet on Illyria's beach “Why do you seek this ghost of friendship? I am alone in all this world - no more family or deep friends to share my soul. Certainly, no love. Only the hope that some honest Captain of Cavalry will guide me to my soldiers death. I have no idea what will become of me, or you.” I left him then.


End file.
